I've seen too many "ZOMG SINES U MITE LUV TWILIGHT!" deviations in recent days. So, for your enjoyment, I am writing "Signs You Might Hate Twilight," just to even the score. All flames will be used for keeping my feet warm at night. Thank you.

1. When you hear the word "Twilight" you automatically wonder if Link could kick Edward's ass instead of Ganondorf's.

2. You hate it when a character doesn't spontaneously combust when they SHOULD.

3. You know perfectly well Lestat is still the best gay vampire ever. And he doesn't even have to sparkle.

4. Dracula.

5. You are not amused by Bella's weakness.

6. Stephanie Meyer is not God, and you know this.

7. You were rooting for the Volturi to kill Bella and Edward.

8. You now feel pity for the Loch Ness monster, Nessie.

9. You suddenly respect J.K. Rowling much more.

10. You realize having a fancy name doesn't make a great character.

11. You want to stab yourself when you see the fan-tards screaming over who gets Edward.

12. You know Link makes a better wolf than Jacob.

13. You have been mauled by pre-teens in the mall while looking through books and muttering that you hate "Twilight."

14. You know your Twilight, aka the kind with purple clouds, weird floating blocks, and Zant, is still better.

15. You proudly claim atheist when introduced to Cullenism.

16. You want Jareth, the Goblin King from "Labyrinth," to punch Edward for stealing his glitter.

17. You have a fully functioning brain.

18. Bishies are better than pedo-wolves.

19. The only man allowed to sparkle around you is your gay next door neighbor on "Drag Night."

20. You know apples do not signify stupidity, thus the cover of "Twilight" was misleading.

21. You know Shakespeare and Jane Austen are rolling in their graves because Stephanie Meyer tried to imitate their work.

22.  You know that SM stands for more than Stephanie Meyer.